Sophie - my CPTSD journey

I was just completing a 'trigger worksheet' that I downloaded from a kind person who shared it in one of my Facebook groups. I was writing down my triggers and I noticed a theme popping out of them. The theme is 'me mattering to people'. This triggers part of me in a negative way. And you know what, as soon as the theme emerged and I wrote it down, I started crying...and I'm still sniveling now! So I thought I would journal...but I don't know what to say about this now I'm here. My go-to is to want to understand 'why' this matters so much. But is this even helpful? I'm not so sure. If I were to hazard a guess, I would be pretty accurate. Part of me never felt they mattered growing up; connection was dangerous and I guess that part has built a wall around me now. So this triggers many of my parts. There are mixed feelings of: desperate sadness; strong relief, safety and joy; and fear.  A big part of me (or maybe this is my 'self'?) wants t...

I had the most wonderful day with my mum and her partner David today. It was so good. We explored the local bird reserve in the Autumn sunshine, chatted, laughed and got on well. And now my 'attach' part is triggered, so I'm writing this blog to get to know it a bit more. She feels like she's going to burst with the amount of love she has for mum. There's also a feeling of vulnerability present, of loss and sadness. I'm letting her know that I'm here for her now; that I can protect her and that she is safe. She has put mum on a pedestal, idealising her, and feeling like she's an amazing woman, who she cannot live without. I'm reminding her that mum is an amazing woman, but that she is an amzing woman too. I'm also reminding her that mum has imperfections, just like everyone else does.  She feels afraid that she won't be able to cope with having a relationship with her because of her issues. She also feels hopeful that she will. I'm lettin...

Today was an exceptional day. I felt normal! I haven't felt normal for over three years. I believe this came from a number of things, all empowering me to 'let go' of my anxiety attacks when they arise (multiple times each day). So here's a bit more about those things! 1. Medication change Don't gasp, but I've been on five mental health medications for the last year, informed by a Myogenes genetic test and two private psychiatrists I've seen over the past 18 months. Hasten to add, I've been suicidal for a lot of that time too, so the approach is clearly not working.  So this week I decided to ignore the test results and my current psychiatrist's directions and change my regime. I was in such a confused state about what the medications were doing; I also hated taking five medications and still not feeling good about myself and my life. It made me feel like a failure and each morning when I took the multiple pills, it made me feel 'ill', which ...

So last night all my parts were triggered by something my mum said that reminded me of being younger. It was actually a nice thing, but it triggered me as it reminded me of being young, as well as historic family dynamics. The problem is not the trigger, however, it's the fact that I cannot seem to validate my thoughts and feelings, therefore I've moved into my default 'what is wrong with me?' mode (I think this is my submit part). I hate it when this part takes over my self. The message was praising me for being 'helpful' to my sister when she was moving house this week. My mum places immense value on us for our 'helpfulness', making a big deal whenever one of us helps another, including when she helps us, which is quite rarely! She's always resented doing things for us, and would always rather not help, making an excuse about her age or health or tiredness or something. Anyway, this triggered me for two reasons: 1. When I was younger the only posit...

I had my therapy session last night, which gave me more insights into what's going on with me. And likely with many of us. We need to learn to be our own friends, our own allies. We need to be there for ourselves, unconditionally. This way, there's nothing to be afraid of.  I had this realisation during the session, as we were delving into one of my parts (we're using Janina Fisher's parts model, much like the Internal Family Systems model, created by Richard Schwartz) and what that part needed the most from me, what it needed from my 'self'. It needed to know that I'm there unconditionally, in a felt sense, not just through mental dialogue. So we spent some time being in this feeling. I felt relatively light and free after the session. I also didn't drink alcohol, which was my first night of many, as I'm determined to give it up for a good while now. I had one of my recurring bad dreams though, although, on reflection, it wasn't as bad as normal...

So I woke up at 5.30am this morning and took 1mg lorazepam to help me get back to sleep. I feel guilty about doing this, like a failure, but I needed it, after another afternoon of drinking wine with my sister yesterday. That's the fourth day/night of drinking wine for me in a row, which isn't good for my physical, nor my mental health. I need to stop. But it's hard. Anyway, despite feeling afraid, I had a productive morning and I'm celebrating going into town and getting errands done. I also treated myself to a pedicure and gel nails (pic attached). I love hands-on treatments and this was super relaxing for me, wich provided some respite from the slightly fearful and slightly frozen feelings I had. I would recommend any kind of body treatment for those who are experiencing anxiety and who like hands-on treatments. As the day progressed, my anxiety worsened. I received a text from a friend, asking how I was, which sent me spiralling out of control in my mind. Receiving ...

So today I'm feeling awful. I'm in the process of changing medications - increasing venlafaxine SNRI and decreasing citalopram SSRI, as I couldn't stop crying all the time. I felt pretty relaxed on the first day of the transition and hopeful it was going to alleviate all my horrible feelings, but it doesn't seem to have done so yet. It probably doesn't help that I've also drunk a glass or two of red wine across the last few nights, which has disrupted my sleep and is never really a good idea. Evenings are hard to get through though and it's too easy to have a glass of wine. To give you a brief overview of my most recent struggles, I feel immense fear and powerlessness in relationships. This used to be just romantic relationships but is relationships of all kinds now - friends, family and acquaintances. This has led me to immense isolation as I've had to cut people from my life or distance myself immensely, due to the terror being so overpowering. I hav...