Trigger: Feeling like I matter

I was just completing a 'trigger worksheet' that I downloaded from a kind person who shared it in one of my Facebook groups. I was writing down my triggers and I noticed a theme popping out of them. The theme is 'me mattering to people'. This triggers part of me in a negative way. And you know what, as soon as the theme emerged and I wrote it down, I started crying...and I'm still sniveling now!

So I thought I would journal...but I don't know what to say about this now I'm here.

My go-to is to want to understand 'why' this matters so much. But is this even helpful? I'm not so sure. If I were to hazard a guess, I would be pretty accurate. Part of me never felt they mattered growing up; connection was dangerous and I guess that part has built a wall around me now.

So this triggers many of my parts. There are mixed feelings of: desperate sadness; strong relief, safety and joy; and fear. 

A big part of me (or maybe this is my 'self'?) wants to matter to people. She wants to be cared for. She wants to experience the safety of loving relationships. She wants it so much, so, so, so much. I'm sobbing as I write this. It's something I've not really tuned into before at this level. A massive part of me wants to be loved and cared for and supported by the people she/I love/loves and cares for. This part experiences almost crippling relief and joy and safety at the feeling of mattering to someone. This is my 'attach' part, I think.

She feels so sad because she has so much love to give, deep down, but she's struggling hugely to give it and receive it too. With the feeling of 'mattering' comes great loss and sadness. This part mourns for never having it and for finding it so overwhelming now. She mourns for her life and her future; for the loneliness she feels and for how stuck she's been for so long.  This is also my 'attach' part.

Another part of me is afraid of mattering; She's afraid of being locked into relationships; of having to look after others' needs so she doesn't hurt their feelings. She doesn't want to hurt the feelings of the people she loves and if she matters, then her actions matter too. If she matters, she feels that she's the other person's focus and therefore she's under their eye, has to meet their needs and cannot get away. She's locked in. I think this comes from when part of me felt they 'mattered' to mum when I was growing up. But during the periods I felt I mattered, a big part of me felt she had to do everything right; she had to meet her every need to avoid being rejected again from the family unit. I guess this part is my submit part.

Anyway, I'm now on my third decaf coffee and I've cleaned my fishtank out also while writing this to give myself a break. I've allowed myself to feel the feelings of my attach, submit and flight parts. I hate it when flight part arises. 

I know I'm valid in feeling all these emotions and thinking these thoughts because of my experiences. Most other people would feel the same if they had gone through what I had.

What could I say to my parts to help settle them a bit?

I think they simply need me to validate them for now. and sit gently beside them. So that's ok.