The power of 'letting go'


Today was an exceptional day. I felt normal! I haven't felt normal for over three years. I believe this came from a number of things, all empowering me to 'let go' of my anxiety attacks when they arise (multiple times each day). So here's a bit more about those things!

1. Medication change

Don't gasp, but I've been on five mental health medications for the last year, informed by a Myogenes genetic test and two private psychiatrists I've seen over the past 18 months. Hasten to add, I've been suicidal for a lot of that time too, so the approach is clearly not working. 

So this week I decided to ignore the test results and my current psychiatrist's directions and change my regime. I was in such a confused state about what the medications were doing; I also hated taking five medications and still not feeling good about myself and my life. It made me feel like a failure and each morning when I took the multiple pills, it made me feel 'ill', which wasn't very empowering, in itself. 

I didn't want to change everything all at once, as that can be destabilising in itself, so I developed a strategy for myself, ditching two of the meds and increasing one. I ditched the mood stabiliser and SSRI (the mood stabiliser was at a very low dose anyway, and the SSRI was at a higher dose, but still not working). 

In place of this, I increased the SNRI, Venlafaxine (Effexor). I have been stable on this drug before, which means I'm likely to be again. And after only one week I believe this is having a hugely positive effect, helping me to feel more relaxed and at ease. Thank you, Venlafaxine!

2. EFT tapping and Focusing session last night

I had a session last night with a therapist I haven't seen for a while to help me regulate myself. We focused (aka Focusing) on the physical sensations of me feeling alone (this feeling is present a lot of the time, and was very present during the session also) - the emotions and bodily sensations. 

I went in crying, but following some breathing exercises, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping for complex trauma and some Focusing (based on Peter Levine's Somatic Experiencing approach), I felt so much better. The abyss I felt in my chest when I arrived had disappeared. I believe this shifted the 'alone' feeling a lot. I'm going to do some more tapping on my own as and when feelings arise to help let them go too.

3. Morning yoga practice with intention setting

It was hard to get myself out of the house this morning as my anxiety was so high - I wanted to retreat to bed, but I knew this was a bad idea. So I forced myself out and, boy, was it worth it. I had already booked an in-person yoga class, and I'm so glad I did. 

We did a lovely slow vinyasa practice, with chanting and intention setting and lots of slow deep breathing. My intention was 'letting go' of my anxieties. Through regular meditation on this intention, it really embedded into my mind and popped into my mind throughout the day when I needed it. It was great. 

The teacher was wonderful and I felt very connected to her and the participants during the class. Tomorrow morning I will do my own intention-setting yoga practice. I've chosen a Yoga with Kassandra video that I've just found on YouTube, in case you're interested.

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