Why is self-validation so hard?

So last night all my parts were triggered by something my mum said that reminded me of being younger. It was actually a nice thing, but it triggered me as it reminded me of being young, as well as historic family dynamics. The problem is not the trigger, however, it's the fact that I cannot seem to validate my thoughts and feelings, therefore I've moved into my default 'what is wrong with me?' mode (I think this is my submit part). I hate it when this part takes over my self.

The message was praising me for being 'helpful' to my sister when she was moving house this week. My mum places immense value on us for our 'helpfulness', making a big deal whenever one of us helps another, including when she helps us, which is quite rarely! She's always resented doing things for us, and would always rather not help, making an excuse about her age or health or tiredness or something.

Anyway, this triggered me for two reasons:

1. When I was younger the only positive attention I ever got from my mum was when I was helpful, which usually involved caring for my younger sisters and doing jobs in the garden and around the house. I hated having to do these things and would always say no, but then I would feel guilty and give in, and help mum relentlessly. It was a cycle of me saying no (fight), then feeling I would lose her if I didn't do the job (attach), then submitting (doing the job for her). And this cycle happened day in and day out. Well, when I received this comment, it activated the same parts, plus a few more, which sent me into a bit of a freeze state.

2. I find it really hard to accept help and support now. And I know it's because my mum has made such a big deal about us supporting and helping each other, as well as others. It's like it's not a 'normal' thing to do in our family. By noticing and praising it, it's suggesting the status quo is not to do these things. I guess I just wish I had grown up feeling supported, as things could be so so different now for me. I understand that my mum grew up also feeling unsupported, which is why it likely means so much to her, but it still hurts.

I know this situation might not sound much to many of you, but I'm strongly attached to my mum currently, in a 'trauma bonding' way, and I feel unjustified for feeling the above, even though I'm trying to justify it through writing this blog. 

Feeling unjustified for feeling the way I do is a horrible feeling, as it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me / like I'm a bad person. I know the path to healing is to validate my feelings and thoughts, but it's so hard. I understand that if I validate my thoughts and feelings, it means detaching from my mum somewhat, which is likely my biggest fear currently, the detachment. Although the thought of it also creates relief inside me and allows me to breathe again, so maybe it's the way forward in this situation.

Regardless, I'm determined to face and work through this, rather than run away by cutting mum out of my life (again), which is my usual response, as my flight part takes over. This has happened in all my relationships over the past three years and it's something I need to get over. I want a relationship with mum, especially as she's getting older, but I suppose it's time I made that relationship suit my terms too. I just need to work out what they are...

I'm hoping this book will help me fast-track the therapy I'm doing right now, which is based on this approach: Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Over-coming Self-Alienation



May we all learn to self-validate xxx




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